r e f l e c t i o n

2018 – what a whirlwind.

I don’t choose to make resolutions as I find that they can be incredibly hard to stick to and you find yourself penalising yourself when you have that bite of brownie, draw of a cigarette, don’t go to the gym for 49502 days, etc, etc… BUT I do enjoy attempting to find a little more balance in my life in the new year and reflecting on what I may have done less or more in the previous year.

Pregnancy aided my anxiety in 2018, I know for many the uncertainties of pregnancy can bring about an appearance of anxiety with the constant worry of whether your little one is thriving, whether you’re eating the right things and avoiding the wrong ones or simply whether they’re “okay” in there. But for me, my anxieties lessened and I have found that since Rex was born they have begun to sting me again and lead me down paths I thought I’d never cross again. In 2019, I’m hoping to steer myself in the right direction once more. Finding joy in the small things and not sweating what I cannot control. This is obviously much easier said than done and when I’m in the midst of a flare up of anxiety, even with my mindset of breathing through it and reflecting on the good in my life, I still find myself in a vicious spiral of unconscious thought.

Another task I’d like to set myself in 2018, is to get to know ME. I’ve always been a pretty selfless person and I’ve found that being a Mother has changed me in ways I never imagined possible. I have found that I NEED to take time for myself, enjoy being in my own company and sometimes crave my own company – needless to say, this has never been a feature of my past. I was always drawn to a place with people, to my best friend’s in the evening when I had nothing to occupy my mind, to my restaurant during the day when I found myself alone in my own head. With the ability and need to be on my own more, I want to accept myself – every crazy inch of my own thoughts and feelings and realise that I am enough. Thoughts of self deprecation plague everyone’s minds, but I find that more often than not I am doubting myself, looking in the mirror overcome with dislike over what I see staring back at me or saying something and immediately thinking ‘who would want to hear that? why did you even say that?’ I want to make peace with myself, seek comfort in the solace of my own home, be alone with my thoughts without criticism.

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I could easily have found a thousand other things that I wanted to change in 2018 – to slim down after the birth of my son has left my body a little wiggly where it perhaps shouldn’t be and marked from the rotund belly all 7lbs 12oz of him gave me in the end, and perhaps I will start working on the more physical things but for now, I need to gain a positive mindset to pull me forward into 2019.

I hope you are all comfortable and content with the tasks you have set yourself for the year ahead, and if you haven’t set yourself any intent for change then I hope you are content with who you are right now and know that you are enough.


“My hair does WHAT?!” – What they don’t tell you about postpartum life

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I always knew I’d struggle to adjust to life with a newborn – it was a phase that (contrary to what others pushed on me) I knew I wasn’t going to enjoy that much. Don’t get me wrong – I was infinitely happy about how my life was about to change but that whole fourth trimester thing just didn’t appeal. A human so tiny that I was constantly worried I’d drop or pick up the wrong way and snap in half?! I was so protective of my little bear that I was even scared of myself. How many times can you poke a baby in a 24 hour period to make sure they’re still alive?! Turns out – A LOT. So, off the back of this small paragraph intro that probably makes no sense, here goes the list of ‘What they don’t tell you about postpartum life’ – all of this is channelled from my own experiences and EVERYONE’S fourth trimester is entirely different I’m sure:

  1. Regardless of how you delivered, you will bleed from your hooha and SOMEWHERE will hurt. Begging my Mum to buy me a kids rubber ring to sit on 2 days PP was definitely not my finest hour. I remember lying in the hospital with my catheter and my spinal wearing off thinking ‘hey! this isn’t that bad’ – MAN! I was so wrong. The journey home was horrendous, my Mum tried to meticulously avoid all bumps in the road but even with her extreme care, by the time I got to my front door I genuinely thought my vagina had fallen out. I was permanently in a state of anxiety that I was going to get an infection and constantly attempting to remain as clean as I possibly could. Alongside, the worry that I had a vagina that resembled scar face and asking Andy to check it approx. 17 times a day. (Sorry love!)
  2. In my case, I was happy to formula feed. I knew I wouldn’t have much time off before going back to work and didn’t want to mess with my tiny humans mind by letting him adjust to breastfeeding and then implementing a bottle within a few weeks. I thought naively, that my supply wouldn’t be the best anyway as I had read articles about bustier ladies having trouble with their supply. I (again) was so wrong. I had bazoombas like Pamela Anderson and everytime I bent down they poured milk. They were painful, engorged, I could barely wear a bra never mind breast pads! Rex wouldn’t settle on me easily as he was entirely pissed off that I wouldn’t let him drink from my chest. (Sorry buddy!)
  3. Night sweats. I don’t even think I have to explain for all you Mamas out there. I would wake up in the night to feed my new little human and I would be absolutely DRENCHED in sweat – I’d have to grab a towel and dry myself off before even attempting to do anything because the minute I got out of my warm bed I’d be absolutely freezing – it was basically as if I had just emerged from a swimming pool. This continued for at least 6 weeks and I was genuinely begging for it to end. I’d be freezing in bed drenched in sweat and I couldn’t keep up with it as hard as I tried. Apparently it’s the pregnancy hormones being drained out of you – then how do you explain my next point…
  4. Crying. Emotional wreck. I’ve had jokes made many times by my friends that I am the ice queen – heart of stone and “none of us have ever seen you cry” – well sweet jesus that took a dive when I had Rex. Anything, everything – made me so emotional. Especially if it was concerning my tiny tot.
  5. This last one is happening to me right now and I’m genuinely in awe. I have thick curly hair and THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT because it’s falling out, in clumps, constantly. I can run my hand through my hair and have a huge handful of hair – washing my hair has now turned into a game of ‘can you unblock the plug hole fast enough for the water to drain enough so you don’t drown’ – tad dramatic but y’know, it happens. Screen Shot 2018-09-09 at 17.01.41

I am more than sure a few more will crop up as time goes on but for now, I will leave you with those 5 delightful facts about my postpartum life. OH! And a picture of Rex for good measure of course!

N x